June 5, 2019

“Today seems like a good day to burn a bridge or two, the one with old wood creaking that would burn away right on cue. I try to be not like that but some people really suck. Some people need to get the axing chalk it up to bad luck. I know a drugstore cowgirl so afraid of getting bored, she’s always running from something so many things ignored, I might do that stuff if it didn’t make me feel like shit, I’m on some old reality tip so many trips in it… Beautiful disaster, flying down the street again…” Never heard of this song? Ugh. At least google it. 311, Beautiful Disaster. It is one of my favorites and you can find it on my Memories Playlist on Spotify. Why do I have this song in mind right now, I don’t know, but it definitely fits the mood.

Have you ever seen that image someone has been posting on Facebook walls, Instagram profiles and whatsoever, where there’s someone in need of help and then there’s someone else acting like they are trying to help, without actually doing it? Wait let me see if I can find it. Ok, here it is:

Ok, so the point is, nothing better than this image can represent what’s been going on, I don’t want to say my whole life, but at least let me say the past few years, and lately more than ever. Don’t get me wrong, I am not an ungrateful bitch who cannot see when someone actually is trying or has tried to help, sometimes even successfully doing so –I am honestly really deeply thankful to these people and they (you) know who they (you) are so thank you from the bottom of my heart for every-single-thing you did. Family, friends, sometimes even strangers managed to make my day in ways that are not possibly explainable in words. Oftentimes these same people are helpful by simply existing in my life and rotating in my orbit, so much so that I don’t even think I deserve them, but here they still are. Thank you. Grazie. Obrigada… I can say it in all the languages in this world, but I guess the universal one is love, so I’ll try and show you how much I appreciate you all by simply keeping on loving you.

…but then, just like the song goes: some people really suck, although, I have to be honest and praise their efforts, because most of the times it’s just this innate tendency of humans that comes out. They think they are trying to help so they can feel good about themselves and say “well, at least I tried, it was xyz not accepting my help” or something like that. Yeah. Thank you very much. So let me tell you what. Every time you offer a minimum wage job to adults (not so young anymore) who have years of experience in a thousand different fields, in several places all over the world, who have already done all those “entry level jobs” over and over again, who have paid their dues a very long time ago and for a very long time… so again, every time you offer the least you could offer to these people, would you actually accept it yourself? Would you be happy to be treated like someone who has nothing better to give for now, because “at least it is something to start with?” I mean, again? For the umpteenth time!? Because “you have to start somewhere!” Yes, when you just got out of college and you need to get your hands dirty, maybe. Just think about it. Would you still accept compromises? How would your self-respect react? And read again! I mentioned self-respect, not ego nor pride, those are two total different things. One implies for you to know what your worth is and when you’re friggin’ tired of being underestimated, these so called “supporters” or “people who are trying to help” can go help someone else. Just to be polite. What they’re doing is exactly what that drawing up there shows: they lend a hand pretending they’re doing their best to take you out of your misery, but they are not actually passing the ladder to you, which would actually make you climb out of your hell. But then again, are they aware of it? I mean, do they know deep inside that what they’re doing is not helping anyone at all if not their ego? Just asking for a friend.

More so, when at the end of the day, you dared to say no, thank you, oh-hell-no-what-did-you-do then you can’t complain because “I tried to help but you declined”. You mean like when you offered me to stay at your pool house for free while I could go job hunting but still living in a decent place, so that if I had to keep my things clean and neat I could go to job interviews acting like I have my shit together and I can push to get some more of what they’re offering? Oh wait, no, not that, because THAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED! Instead, “I found a room where you could live for a while, it’s very very small, in the middle of nowhere, but it’s cheap and you know, the struggle is real, at least at the beginning, but you need to start somewhere, right? At least it’s something!” You live in a town house, with a yard, dogs, cats, cars, a pool, probably a maid, who knows… but you would want someone else to “start somewhere” like the place you just cheeringly found -for- them? Would you go live there? Be honest. No, you would not. So please, please for God’s sake you all doing this, even if with the best intentions, please stop acting like you are trying to help others because you are not. I am sorry to be raw and real but face the truth for once.

I swear, this is NOT to be ungrateful, at all. I am thankful for all of you out there supporting me in any possible way that you can, I see you, I thank you, I know who you are, where you are, what you do. And in some weird and twisted way I am also thankful for those mentioned above who believe they’re doing their best at helping but … whatever. I am referring to “the others”, those I am sure you know too and you met at least once in your life as well, and you just thought: oh they’re so kind and they’re trying to help… but if you look further, just one word comes in our head: really? Well, I know this society is so fucked up that eventually even this whole post, rant, message, whatever, will be misunderstood and taken in the wrong way, but you know what? Who cares. At least I put it out there. Take it or leave it, because after all, quoting 311 again, I am “a butterfly in the wind without a care, a pretty train crash to me and I can’t care, I do, I don’t, whatever!!!“