Liebster award: discover new blogs

Haircut Madness

typewriterPrince, founder and author at the World Writers Hub just nominated me, the Binge Watching Queen, for the Liebster Award. Thank you Prince, after all, you’re Prince and I am a Queen… Big laugh. Jokes apart, if you were wondering what is this Liebster award, what I can say is that it was created to recognize and/or discover new bloggers and welcome them to the great blogging community. But please, do not be shy, and if you want to know more, feel free to take a look here, and you will find also the official rules of this project by clicking here.

I hate chains, so for those who know me this would sound like a nonsense, but the reason why I accepted the nomination is simple: it is not just a way to promote ourselves, it is a way to promote others. In the blogosphere many are struggling: we may have great voices and amazing things to say, but at the same time we may not have the right networking entourage. A little help is always much appreciated. Spread the word you all, we need everyone’s help!

Prince’s blog, for instance, is about writing. Easy as that.

“It intends to function as a guide that will help you to understand life extra carefully and lead you through its hot tracks”.

As part of this nomination we have to answer a few questions to help others know us a little better, most of the times referring to our beloved blog or our muses and mentors. Here are my answers to Prince’s questions:

  1. How did you pick your blog’s name? I realized I have always been a binger, I binge on books and tv-series, movies and videos. Food. So it just came out naturally, I am the Queen of Binge… Watching!!!
  2. What’s your blogging quote? Don’t really have one.
  3. What are three things you cannot blog without? Sun, Silence, Sunkist
  4. Who is your favorite blogging father? You mean, Mother? I started working “professionally” for Facciunsalto, go check it out, if you know Italian. Otherwise scroll down and find the FUSion column where we wrote articles in English.
  5. Describe yourself in three words. Pensive, Imaginative, Misunderstood
  6. What is your guiltiest pleasure? Not sure I get what you are asking for. Chocolate?
  7. What is your most prized possession? Moral strength
  8. What single quality do you most appreciate in people? Honesty.
  9. What do you love most about blogging? Being appreciated for what I say&think.
  10. What’s the favorite post that you’ve published? (Link, please!) Not my favorite but probably the most important is a post about Chester Bennington from Linkin Park. You can find it here. Missing him every single day.

Now, let’s have a look at the nominations.

Blogs I nominate for The Liebster Award

Now, with my Academy Awards’ best voice, please let me introduce you to the nominees for the Liebster Award:

Congrats to my fellow nominees! If you choose to accept this nomination, you have to answer the following questions, and write your blog post adding the link of the blog that nominated you (the Binge Watching Queen, duh!) followed by the other 10 you chose to nominate. Add your 10 questions and let’s keep rolling.

1. Who is your favorite writer (blogger, narrative, film…)?
2. Where do you blog from?
3. Who knows about your blog?
4. What famous person (dead or alive) would you go to dinner with?
5. When was the last time you cried watching a movie?
6. Have you ever binge watched a TV-series? If so, write me a message and explain.
7. Who do you want to become thanks to your blog? A more famous blogger? An influencer?… 
8. Would you spend a year on a space station? A month? A week?
9. Which Countries have you lived in or visited?
10. What would you suggest to your fellow bloggers to improve their followers?

Great! Now it is your turn. Make us all proud. Remember to link your referrer and your nominees. Good luck. Talk soon,

The BWQ. 

Travelling

 

The day part of me died

Haircut Madness

Everybody has monsters inside pushing from underneath our skin, or that’s what we used to sing along with you. These demons we learned to dance with, like you did sing. We were on the verge, one step closer, about to break, we all wanted to heal, to feel, to find somewhere we belong… when you guys were saying that you knew you were not the only people with those things in mind, we felt it, we knew back then that someone else could finally understand.

Chester Bennington of Linkin Park Portrait SessionI could write my whole biography by just quoting every single word of your songs, I do too have memories tattooed upon my soul (DBS). I still cannot believe that the voice I kept hearing in the back of my head in those dark days, your voice, is now gone. And I hate that I cannot see what I am writing because my mind is foggy and my eyes are casting tears. Those tears I could hide day after day, sitting in my room, listening to you. Over and over. But now I just can’t hold them in anymore. No. Not today. I can’t.

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I remember those days I was being laughed at because I was listening to “that kind of music”. Can’t you hear they’re just shouting? How can you call this music at all? And I explained to those who could understand, that there was more, that you knew better, that you were… well, couldn’t you just sense it? And this is how I ended those explanations, because you can understand only if you feel it too. Even my mother eventually got to know you. Chester Bennington and the Linkin Park are part of my soul, that part of me that I wish I could say “won’t go away” but instead, today has died.

8484c67d8c6442e8858d143a070ae09fI was in high school when a new friend, who crossed my path, made me listen to this brand new American band: the Linkin Park. We spent hours sitting in his car listening to their songs on repeat, and the one I always wanted him to play first was “Crawling”. Why? He asked. This is how I feel, I thought back then, until each and every word of all the other songs, one after another, one album after the other, started sinking in my brain, feeding my soul, healing my wounds, leaving only scars, and above all, making me feel I was not alone. Because you were there. But you are not anymore.

450845802I want to write more, and more, but nothing makes sense now. I keep picturing you in that room, eaten alive by those thoughts you tried, we try, to fight every day. But we are, were, doing it thanks to you. We have semicolons spread all over, through the lines of the book of our life, because of you; because where there could be periods, ending it all, we took a break, we breathed, we shouted, and then we kept going. Why you decided to write that period though, to end it all, we will never know until we are here. And it hurts. Like hell. It hurts to know those thoughts were stronger than you, because now we think they could be stronger than us too. They took you, and Chris, and all the others like you, like us, and if there is just one little positive side of this fuc*ing coin is that, as of right now, we hate those thoughts even more. We hate they took you from us, you let them take you instead of fighting them, again, again, and again. We wanted to fight them with you. And now you’re gone. Just gone.

Were there signs we ignored? And we’re angry, and we should be, it’s not fair… You said this, right? You said it. It is not fair. Who is going to catch us when we fall? I can’t think straight, and I do not even know why I am doing this because, after all, I am just talking to myself. In front of a screen. The voice bouncing back is not yours, anymore. You’re gone. That part of me is gone. The one screaming that I wanted to heal, although these wounds will never heal, and that I was paranoid, but your paranoia was probably worse, saying I were numb, that I wanted to be more like me, I wanted to be in the energy, not with the enemy, is gone… I did not want to let it go, let it go, let. it. go. But you let it go.

“The sound, of your voice, painted on my memories, even if you’re not with me, I’m with you” kept me alive. I wish screaming it all out, all that pain, the frustration, would have kept you alive too. Inside crying “save me now”…

Like a punch in the face, this hits hard.

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I know I’ll be with you soon, we all go back to the whole, where everything started, the energy of our souls, and I’ll be looking forward to that moment. I’ll kick your energy’s ass because how could you? Leaving us here, all alone again, without a light? But you know? You taught us better. So after that, I’ll hug you so tight, that we won’t be the one to leave this, in pieces. You are gone, while we are here thanks to you, because of you. We love you Chester, always will, and if you’re still asking who cares if one more light goes out? Well I do. Too.

You were that foundation
Never gonna be another one, no.
I followed, so taken
So conditioned I could never let go
Then sorrow, then sickness
Then the shock when you flip it on me
So hollow, so vicious
So afraid I couldn’t let myself see
That I could never be held
Back or up no, I’ll hold myself
Check the rep, yep you know mine well
Forget the rest let them know my hell
There and back yet my soul ain’t sell
Kept respect up, the best they fell,
Let the rest be the tale they tell
That I was there saying…
In these promises broken
Deep below
Each word gets lost in the echo
So one last lie I can see through
This time I finally let you
Go, go, go.

Test my will, test my heart
Let me tell you how the odds gonna stack up
Y’all go hard, I go smart
How’s that working out for y’all in the back, huh?
I’ve seen that frustration
Been crossed and lost and told “No”
And I’ve come back unshaken
Let down and lived and let go
So you can let it be known
I don’t hold back, I hold my own
I can’t be mapped, I can’t be cloned
I can’t C-flat, it ain’t my tone
I can’t fall back, I came too far
Hold myself up and love my scars
Let the bells ring wherever they are
‘Cause I was there saying…

No, you can tell ’em all now
I don’t back up, I don’t back down
I don’t fold up, and I don’t bow
I don’t roll over, don’t know how
I don’t care where the enemies are
Can’t be stopped, all I know; go hard
Won’t forget how I got this far
For every time saying…

In these promises broken
Deep below
Each word gets lost in the echo
So one last lie I can see through
This time I finally let you go, go, go.

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Long hair don’t care

Haircut Madness

Wow, so many things have happened since 2017 started. I know, I’m bad at being constant and creating a routine. I am disappointed too, believe me. The plan was to keep a detailed journal of this painful (literally now, and you will see why in a few lines) hair growth process, but as always, I get lost in thoughts, lazy days, down moments and most of all, daydreaming. That is exactly the activity that drains most part of my time, and guess what? Nothing good comes out of it as I completely lose myself in my imaginative world, forgetting I have work to do for school, I should be faithful to my yoga instructor (Adriene!) and do it everyday but I don’t…but, you know, the world I hide myself in is so much better than the one I see outside my window.

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Well, probably not right now. I am actually staring at the charming Los Angeles skyline and oh, those palm trees… although there is this one thing bothering me: my scalp. Yes, that’s right. As I still can’t recognize the person staring at me in the mirror, although my hair is sloowwwly growing, I could not stand the idea of traveling to my favorite place feeling like I am not myself. So, I got extensions, to feel a little more like …me. In fact, while my hairdresser was glueing donated real hair on my scalp, this woman came and said: “oh my gosh, you look so different now!” Ugh, no Ma’am, no! I am going back to look how I looked before I decided to be stupid. Yes. People who first saw me with my haircut cannot even portray me with long hair. I am sorry for you people but, more than ever now, I can state that your hair is the extension of your soul... not only of your nervous system, and these extensions right now are hurting like hell. My scalp must be really sensitive. Although I spent more than I could afford, I’ll have to unglue these things before I drive myself crazy. The pain is so strong sometimes that I get headaches, so again, I literally made the wrong decision. (Song playing in my head after this: one more time, doo doo doo doo… by Daft Punk) And honestly, it does not even give me that self-confidence I wish I could get back with long hair. Bummer.

img_3608I will learn one day, maybe. Accepting the changes and embracing the consequences. Hilarious how for many aspects of my life I change something everyday because routines to me are boring, but for some others it takes me a while to align to the resonance. I guess I will have to just stick to this… Talking about frequencies, Los Angeles is apparently giving me a hard time this time. Last year I fell in love, or better, I realized I have always been attracted to this place that whispered to my ears “what took you so long?” while I was making love to it, enjoying that panorama you see standing from the Griffith Observatory. If you can’t feel it, I am not sure it is a feeling that can be explained with words. Hair or not hair, my heart cried that day. I spent a few days in Los Feliz, which soon became my favorite neighborhood, and my new friends who were hosting me, really made me feel like I was home. I am realizing it now, staying somewhere else (Echo Park to be precise) while they are away, and it is not as going to trivia night or to karaoke together.

With my weird look, weird to me at least as I am showing curls I never had before, I am now letting Los Angeles know me from a different perspective. I am scared she won’t like me, I still have to go back to my favorite place, and I feel the need to hike up those hills to ask her if she still wants me here. Probably, if I had long hair, I would not care, as they say, but I am not fully positive about it, anyway. The sun is out, after a cloudy and windy Sunday morning in Westlake. I feel like my baby is calling and I don’t want to make us both wait. Meanwhile, as it took me forever to start writing again, here are these three songs (click here to listen to them!) as my gift to you, to show how good it is to be here.

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Wrapping up the year like… Breaking Bad

Haircut Madness

…the series finale of a tv show. “Oh come on yo!It’s over, bitch!” Ok, not explicitly like that, this is just because I am going cold turkey after a marathon of five, yes, five, seasons in less than a week, wait, probably three days, of Breaking Bad and Jesse’s voice is basically stuck in my head. For real. I am literally living in a different dimension right now, my brain is fried but at least I am like, high without using drugs, so yeah, thanks for the kudos, y’all.

How did you like this two thousand sixteen yo? (Yo is always needed, thanks Jesse!) Well, where should I begin? Oh wait, I just recalled a Linkin Park’s song with this! It’s And One, and dang the things and the chills it gives me, still. Wooo, and it actually takes me right where I wanted to start: “keep my distance from your lies”. Yassss. Because, I am not sure it is Breaking Bad’s fault or whatever, but today I have been pondering much. Right when this year is finally getting to an end, my wonderfully tireless brain got back to wonder if people, read human beings, should actually be trusted at all. What is trust really? Uhm, the dictionary shows “n. firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something“. Firm. Belief. Reliability. Truth. Someone. Ugh, ok, no. You actually get a much better overview on wikipedia… I know, not the coolest reference place you would want to rely on, but at least it develops the meaning on several levels: sociology, psychology, philosophy… and whatsoever.

Now, for someone like me who does not even trust herself that much, this is a really big issue. People lie all the time. Fine, not all the time, but at least once and more than once, everybody has lied. I mean, I do it too, and most importantly I lie to myself, but uh, not a big deal, yo. (Yo! Lol) Or maybe it is. One thing at a time though. There are different kinds of lies, as well as different degrees of lying. Sometimes we do it unintentionally just because we have been deceived by our own feelings, emotions, perceptions and, at the end of the day, we all have the chance to lie every once in a while. Remember those white lies? Those harmless lies, said to avoid hurting someone’s feelings? How stupid is this now, really? Shouldn’t the truth be told no matter how much it hurts? Weak people! Weak human beings. I want to be a dog. Dogs never lie.

Why am I even talking about lies now? Oh yeah, because I was thinking about trust. How do we build trust if we are aware of the fact that sooner or later, everyone lies? We live in this era when lying comes so easily while hiding behind a smartphone or computer screen!!! People can be fucking someone right next door and tell you on the phone “oh, I’m just reading the Bible, how about you?” and who will ever know? I mean, I would quote both my darling Brendon Urie and Natalie Portman in Closer (2004) when one sings and the other answers to “tell me something true” by saying “Lying Is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off… but it’s better if you do“, but first, I would add “a girl and a guy have” because it all goes back to humans in general, I suppose.  All right, cool. I must be ranting about all this just because I have some trust issues. Who doesn’t, though? Applying my psychology studies to all this I should date them back to my early stages of this wonderful thing called life but for whatever reason, I will not do it. With time I learned that past experiences do not always interfere with your reactions at present. This is just who you are now, end of discussion.

Trust issues can come from two directions, I think: skepticism, which is a healthy attitude, and cynicism, which many consider bad but it is actually pretty useful, and these are the little Santa’s helpers that come into place when trust does not really know where and how to fit in. I think I rely on a mix of both, actually. Skepticism belongs to the ego whereas cynicism rules on my alter-ego, so ok, we got this far. Which personality damages my self-esteem and interferes with this whole issue the most though, is not clear. It will never be. And guess what? It got worse right after I had that amazing idea of changing the way I looked. Go me. I cannot believe that this is all due to a change of appearance. A different hairstyle. Maybe Delilah was right after all. Cutting someone’s hair is basically like ripping off a person’s strength, emotionally speaking. I know. I am totally aware it should not be right, but it is true. And as long as that person staring at me in the mirror does not match with me, myself and I, I will not trust her or anybody else dealing with her. Now. This said, and wrapping it all up, well, happy new year,  you reflected image. I wish you all the best, but now give me my personality back, thank you very much.

Happy 2017 everybody!

Thanksgiving and #GilmoreGirls

Haircut Madness, Reviews, Tv Series

Oh well, oh well. While watching the brand new episodes of the Netflix exclusive season of Gilmore Girls I had so many thoughts popping in my head I actually considered writing them all down not to forget anything, but as always I just did not. No wonder. Let me try to catch my train of thoughts a little anyway.

screen-shot-2016-11-25-at-20-52-08It started last night, right after my “alternative” Thanksgiving dinner: my landlords invited me for Rosh Hashanah this past October and they wanted to have me celebrate with them for Thanksgiving as well, so I could not say no. These things usually get me nervous but as always I put my daily façade and I just cope with the feeling until those first few glasses of wine set it for the rest of the night. Sounds more like an alcoholic talk but trust me, it is not what it seems. I know this is what everybody says, but honestly? Who cares? The best part was actually when my mind was just rambling on getting my inner voice upset, and I was just zoning in and out laughing at more or less funny jokes we started reading on line, from “Yo mama is…” to “Trump…”. Fun times. Even funnier was that, when I had to say goodbye, I only had to open the door leading to the basement, and just go down the stairs. Once I was all undressed and I got my make up removed, I just started binging on Netflix movies when a brand new and cooler party started upstairs. I think the adults just spent a couple more hours sipping some wine while listening to music, songs going from Jeff Buckley‘s, to Leonard Cohen, Bob Dylan, Lou Reed… I honestly have to say I was kind of jealous. I would have done the same with the right company, so I just pictured myself in the future, in my own house (rented, of course) which is a big deal considering we may not be here tomorrow. Yeah, no. No drama, just saying.

screen-shot-2016-11-25-at-20-51-24I have to confess again, while putting my sweatpants and sweatshirt on, I accidentally looked at myself in the mirror, recalling I do not look like the person my memory still remembers. I cannot understand why I am having such a hard time getting used to the no-longer-new look. I still do not like it though. I guess I never will. While wasting time watching some movies, I had the chance to communicate with some people, not everybody was going wild till late at night after all, and it just made me feel more normal, if normal is a good way to feel anyway. Then oh yeah, I remembered. I just could not wait for a Netflix series to be finally on. I grew up watching #GilmoreGirls, I basically memorized every line because I watched and re-watched those episodes a thousand times, over and over just because I liked it. That is it! There has been people labelling it as a stupid tv-show, others saying they loved it, others simply did not watch it…and I mean, isn’t it always like that? I will always find someone to either agree or disagree with, so I just stopped justifying myself for having different tastes than others, in whatever field they might be.

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What captures me and I think most of all human beings in general, is the way we eventually end up relating to this or that character, or the story, or we simply sympathize for a situation, a memory that for some reasons gets attached to a scene, an episode, an actor or actress, and we cannot stop watching the show, the movie, the series… Having a sequel after so many years got me emotional too. I know I know, this is shocking, I was impressed too, but hey, I guess I have to stick to this human mortal condition for now, so obviously I have to have emotions, somehow.

Gilmore Girls, A Year in The Life

Genre: they want to call it “family-comedy drama”
Created by: Amy Sherman-Palladino
Starring: Lauren Graham, Alexis Bledel, Melissa McCarthy, Keiko Agena, Yanic Truesdale, Scott Patterson, Kelly Bishop, Liza Weil, Jared Padalecki, Milo Ventimiglia, Sean Gunn, David Sutcliffe, Chris Eigeman, Matt Czuchry
Watched on: Netflix and TV (Previous seasons)
Seven Seasons, One-hundred and fifty-three Episodes watched in: years, like for real LAST SEASON, or better sequel of four two-hour(ish) episodes binge watched in an afternoon. DUH.

screen-shot-2016-11-25-at-20-43-34I have watched all of the four episodes that Netflix had on. All the available ones. There are no more left to watch, and of course the last episode had to end the way it ended. My teeth are still grinding from anger. Why Amy Sherman Palladino? Why? Did you go to school with freaking Shonda Rhimes? I mean, if you all women in the film industry just want to drive us all spectators crazy, well go ahead, you are actually doing a pretty good job, just do not mess with us that much!!! This basically should make you guess how I am feeling right now! I am already going cold turkey (and any reference to Thanksgiving right now is totally unintentional) and I want to know what will happen next. Although, I know this is not going to happen soon, so all I can do is …imagine. Story of my life. Imagining things that will never happen, or that I would like to happen but then… of course they won’t, also having conversations that do not exist in real life but they are real in that parallel universe where everything is still screwed up a little, but definitely more interesting and exciting. Whatever.  I tried to stand up every once in a while pausing the streaming for a few minutes, just because I recalled one of the guests last night, talking about how those Apple Watches tell you to move because you have been sitting for too long. I laughed so hard. Seriously, one episode is at least 80 minutes long so sitting on my butt for six hours straight would have been awkward. Is it just me or when you stand after a long while that you have been sitting somewhere, you feel taller? I had this odd perception right after standing and taking a few steps! I was feeling weirdly taller. It goes away, but I felt the same way a few times before and it just makes me chuckle. I guess it is not just time to be relative, uh?

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screen-shot-2016-11-25-at-20-42-13Ha! It is also hilarious that the voice in my head (reading these words right now) is actually one of the characters I have just been watching. I have been told I looked like her before, since when the tv show actually started. One of my friends back home has me on her contacts list as Lorelei (although on the tv show it is spelt Lorelai) and another one still calls me that since high school. Should not even sound too silly that I actually own a picture signed by the actress because when I was still young and full of dreams I believed in the power of writing letters, like real letters. So I was very young, I wrote letters to celebrities, yes, and this is simply who I was. My young hearted spirit still recalls the nice feeling in getting screen-shot-2016-11-25-at-20-40-52those letters back with autographed pictures, or vhs gifted to me because I wrote this or that band a letter. Oh young and innocent Lor, where art thou?

…and I cannot help but think of the last time I heard someone say: you can be anyone you want to be, you can do anything. Just go for it. And I miss those talks, really, but it does not matter anymore. I will just have to keep going as I am doing now after the last scene of the last episode I just watched. It is bitter. Now wait, for real, it sucks. As it does not depend on me though, I will just stick to this feeling, get some fattening sugary junk food, get uglier, remembering when I had long hair, Gilmore Girls A Year in the Life was not out yet, and I could still write actual letters, mailing them to actual people, getting to see actual mail men delivering envelopes to that crazy little monster living in a small town near Venice. The island, not the beach. Peace out.

Again …on shaved heads, after #USElections

Haircut Madness

0b5e9f68f3e565f98942cc81a0841e02Along with Natalie Portman in V for Vendetta and Charlize Theron in Mad Max, the recurring image when I stare at myself in the mirror is Britney Spears many years ago. I do not recall what year it was, and I may be too lazy to actually google it so I will just use what I remember from that time. The world was under shock because apparently everybody believed she lost her mind just because she shaved her head. Is this the truth? Do we have to be mad crazy, as women, to have our hair cut so short? Should this practice be considered an actual purge, for whatever sin we want to expiate?britney-spears-shaves-her-head-bald-britney-pictures Pink, the singer, had short hair forever and nobody thought she is crazy. I guess it is a matter of seeing a person actually change her look. People are reluctant to change. I do believe this more than ever, now. People fear change, and by trying to deceive themselves choosing what they believe will make a difference, they actually pick the “good ole option” that makes them feel secure. I will go back to this in a minute.

People are reluctant to change

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Buddhists and other “religious” monks get their heads shaved as to show their beliefs, the way they want to disconnect from earthly connections while getting closer to God. The only thing that I can think of while reading “getting closer to God” is that NIN’s song which is way different in meaning, and if you want to know more, just go check it out. Nine Inch Nails apart, this thing of believing that getting your head shaved makes you lose individuality or strength has to stop. Why? Because this is exactly how I felt while seeing chunks of my hair falling, at the hairdresser’s. Yes, I confess. This socially conceived practice as a disruptive way to “say something”,  was embedded in me, until I actually had to personally feel it. And dislike it. Maybe that is why Samson was the very first figure I could feel related to, and I am not even a religious person.  More than this, it was disturbing to think of judgements from people, how they could identify me as a skinhead nowadays, symbolizing aggression in a world where apparently you need to shock the average human being in order to get a reaction. Last but not least, as some said “you look more badass” I was bothered by the thought that boy-looking girls lack of femininity (Ruby Rose is not feminine then? Come on!), leading to the most straightforward question “Are you a lesbian?” …because even if I were, I cannot see how that would be a problem, but the tone of their voices while asking that question made me upset. In other words, I was dead tired of having judgmental human beings define me, and in a way, this is why this blog came into existence.

reasons-why-you-have-to-see-ruby-rose-liveIn so many ways I am now untouchable. Only those who are not devoured by their own preconceptions get closer to me, and as I got used to my aloneness -not loneliness- it is somewhat funny to try them, watch them, and experiment all this on me. Society makes you and others believe that only with Pantene-looking silky hair you can be attractive and pleasing to the rest, that if your appearance does not stick to the norm (a norm created by whom, exactly?) you are an outcast, a problem to be solved, sometimes a threat. But, if you are a threat, then they will try to belittle you because by saying you are threatening they are giving you power, and people are so sensitive to power or what they believe this power is, that they need to kick you out of the game. Although you were not even playing and you honestly were not even giving a damn about it!

nbc-fires-donald-trump-after-he-calls-mexicans-rapists-and-drug-runnersThe results of these elections, here where my home is now, made me ponder (as if being an over thinker at times were not enough). I have always dreamt of “the land of the free and the home of the brave“, willing to be part of it, to live in and on it. I was not considering these humans though. Humans are humans, no matter where you go, and I am sorry (or maybe not) if the way I am formulating this sentence is for any reason offending you. Humans rely on fear. People fear the newly elected President of the United States because of what he said, or did, or said he would do, being scared of his power… without realizing they are the ones giving him power. As part of a -society-, human beings have “the power to give power”, or to take it away as far as I am concerned, as I thought they were doing, judging me, when I feared they could define who I was. Shame on me!

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…and while most humans are freaking out over Trump‘s victory, the future, and what may or may not happen, on a more positive note I would ask: “what if he tricked you (who voted for him and not) all? What if he knew that saying what many wanted him to say he got all the votes he needed, if counting on misogyny, racism, violence, etc he actually got you all at his feet and now he is going to screw you all over by acting humane (in the way humane should be defined)? Oh man, this would be tremendously beautiful. Music to my ears in my imaginative world. An act of intelligence taken to its finest! Is he that intelligent though? We do not know yet. Berlusconi definitely was not. But that’s another story… This may be wishful thinking, but it definitely sounds more interesting than overdramatize, because remember people: you create what you can imagine. Learn how to imagine properly and stop fearing people’s power, because it is you all giving powers to the people you fear. Ugh, wisdom.Guess what getting a haircut can do to you! Meanwhile, in Massachusetts, this view:
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Ugh, who are you again?

Haircut Madness

fullsizerenderIt may sound crazy, I know. All those times I wish I were invisible, juxtaposed to those other times I wish people could SEE me… and now this: nobody recognizes me anymore. It happened in August, when back to campus, I was meeting friends, colleagues and students, and every time I was saying “Hi, how are you?” it took them a couple of seconds (if not minutes) to realize the blonde who was talking to them was Laura. “Oh my God, you look so different!” and while smiling at them I was actually thinking “no, not really, but whatever you say”. Again, some liked my new look, some just did not even care (thank you!) and somebody else just honestly said they liked me better with my “original” color. This world is a wonderful place, isn’t it? Fun.

One of my friends here actually said something I have been trying to make people understand for such a long time: I am not my hair, I am not my loud voice (yeah, I forgot to mention that many people get annoyed by my voice which appears to be a little too loud for the average human being) so when she saw me, she did not notice the change of look or, at least, it was not as shocking as for the others. Her mind portrays my persona as several different features all mixed together to just be ME: the way I look, the way I sound, the way I walk… all at once. That’s me. Indeed.

I “work” the same way: when I see someone, it is not a matter of appearance or facial expressions, or color of their hair. Most of the times I recognize people from afar by the way they walk, the way they stand or sit on a bench, their profile, the way they move their hands, and for whatever reason, the aura they have around them precedes their mere external look. No, it is not a witchcraft word: aura. Oh wow, I just recalled a place in Melbourne I used to pass by while getting back from work: Witches in Britches. It was a restaurant where they used to have shows and events. Oh Melbourne, I so wish to walk through you again, someday.
Maybe it is actually a positive acknowledgment: by figuring who keeps on having a hard time recognizing me I should get that they lean on different viewpoints than mine… as if I cared that much! From Miley Cyrus blonde look, to Miley Cyrus shaved look, this comparison makes me laugh all the time, as in the past, when I got a haircut just not as drastic as this time, I remember people saying: why this look? Is this Jennifer Paige style? Also, people in here do not even know who Jennifer Paige is! I am laughing so hard I am crying. Or maybe not. How would you know anyway? Actually, this other thing makes me think of a meme where it shows that we, millennial people or so, write things like lol, rofl, lmao, or simply insert a smiley (emoji) but we are actually just staring seriously at our screens. True that. Sad but true. In a way we are simply saying that our soul is smiling though, it does not matter if our lips are actually in an upward half-moon shape or not. Who cares really?

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Red Velvet Cupcake

Haircut Madness

red-velvet-cake-icing-superjumbo…I am now a red velvet cupcake. Why? Well, apparently cutting your hair short makes everybody want to touch your head. This velvet-like appearance feels more like when a woman is pregnant and people want to touch her belly for luck or something like that. Weird, maybe cute, but weird. The coolest part is that I pictured myself as a red velvet cupcake the last time it happened (it was one of my Professors actually, following the office administrator and some colleagues!) and it was hilarious. RVC are my favorites. I was also considering dying my hair red because of this but NO, STOP this hair madness!!

26260f326790e5d9f16a3a24b7b47417When things like that happen to appear on my brain screen, if this makes any sense at all, I just need to remind myself I am not a movie and I need to change channel. Where is my remote? Give me my remote, turn me off. Puh-lease. But no, it’s not going to happen… and a horde of thoughts just starts raging in my head trying to make me feel dizzy and give up on rationality. Which would be good if only I could find someone who relates to this pretty easily. Uh, uh, nope. Not working. Game over.

Phases. Just phases. I heard someone say “it is just a phase”, and yes, since we all are going through different stages and times of our lives when we change, we evolve, we make mistakes, we either learn from them or we run from them, it does not really matter. This thing of getting a haircut should not have an impact on either me or my life but it does. It just sums up to other things that I let influence my existence. Also, there are not so many things as bothering as looking at your image reflected in the mirror without being able to recognize yourself. I did not even have to cut my hair to feel like this before because it has happened so many times already …

imagesOne day I am 30 years old and I am responsible, the day before I was a 20-year-old brat screwing everything up pretending I was having fun. All the things I have done when I was 16 just get repeated, and the way I felt at 23 is just right here with me, digging holes through my stomach while I try to figure why this and this did not work out, or what I did right or wrong. Hanging on the wall, right in front of me, I have a poster saying “Rebirth, regeneration and re-emergence”, how is this not even a sign? Do signs exist at all? I don’t know, because this blog is called “god exists and she hates me” and I am expecting a sort of doomsday to fall over me anytime soon.

…and then a friend of mine sends me a snap while at a concert with his girlfriend (love you guys) with the video of a song which is going straight to my mood song section and I cannot help but think it has to be a sign. Welcome to my twisted mind world. Hope you feel comfortable enough. Are you working tonight? JK.

 

The day I met M at…

Haircut Madness

screen-shot-2016-11-03-at-23-20-25That’s how it started. Or maybe not. There are people that leave their footprints in your life path and they do not even know of how much their presence (or absence) has or had an impact in your existence. Yes, I know, it is a classic. Nevertheless, I like to remind myself that there must be a reason for this coming and going or for that specific thing to happen.

Getting a haircut, shaving my head basically, has to have a reason. I am not referring to the most obvious one: my hair got burnt after bleaching it for too long (no, I did not do it myself!) and I could not stand the frizzy, heavy, ugly look it had. It was unmanageable and I simply did not like it, so the only thing to do was to get rid of it and start anew. What is the not so obvious reason then? What if shaving my head meant something unconscious? What if there is actually something I have to learn from all this?

fullsizerenderThe last few months have been weird and crazy, in a way. Getting back to Italy for the summer had more consequences than expected. I never had surgery in my life until 2014 for example. I never had scars, not “important” ones at least and not so visible. Now I can basically play “connect the dots” with all the scars I have on my body, and this is because I had the last of three surgeries this year, in August, right before I flew back home: Boston. Yes, currently Bean-town is my home and I am a huge fan of that quote that says “home is a feeling, not a place” FYI!

The first two things I thought of when looking at myself in the mirror, with the hairdresser in the background saying “I am sorry” were: 1. I feel powerless, just like Samson, and I am not sure this is ok. 2. The only image striking me since last Saturday is a scene from the movie V for Vendetta (2006) (if you did not watch it you are missing something important, go watch it now!) and the part where Evey gets her head shaved by V:

“V: Fortunately, I got to you before they did.
Evey: You got to me? You did this to me? You cut my hair? You tortured me? You tortured me! Why?
V: You said you wanted to live without fear. I wish there’d been an easier way, but there wasn’t.”

Natalie Portman plays Evey. She then kept her shaved head for a while.

The next step was to check out if other women had an haircut for whatever reason. Sad to say, most of those I found are either actresses or celebrities, and it would be ok if not for the fact that they are ALL pretty women who would definitely look amazing even with a bird nest on their heads. The best is of course my beloved Charlize Theron in Mad Max: Fury Road (2015) playing Imperator Furiosa. She nailed it. But there are so many …

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Now the “fun” begins. People have commented my change of look in so many ways I actually got tired of hearing any kind of appreciation, fake compliments, judgments, jokes… Today’s mood does not help either, but I will choke all my insecurities with music, as always.