The day part of me died

Haircut Madness

Everybody has monsters inside pushing from underneath our skin, or that’s what we used to sing along with you. These demons we learned to dance with, like you did sing. We were on the verge, one step closer, about to break, we all wanted to heal, to feel, to find somewhere we belong… when you guys were saying that you knew you were not the only people with those things in mind, we felt it, we knew back then that someone else could finally understand.

Chester Bennington of Linkin Park Portrait SessionI could write my whole biography by just quoting every single word of your songs, I do too have memories tattooed upon my soul (DBS). I still cannot believe that the voice I kept hearing in the back of my head in those dark days, your voice, is now gone. And I hate that I cannot see what I am writing because my mind is foggy and my eyes are casting tears. Those tears I could hide day after day, sitting in my room, listening to you. Over and over. But now I just can’t hold them in anymore. No. Not today. I can’t.

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I remember those days I was being laughed at because I was listening to “that kind of music”. Can’t you hear they’re just shouting? How can you call this music at all? And I explained to those who could understand, that there was more, that you knew better, that you were… well, couldn’t you just sense it? And this is how I ended those explanations, because you can understand only if you feel it too. Even my mother eventually got to know you. Chester Bennington and the Linkin Park are part of my soul, that part of me that I wish I could say “won’t go away” but instead, today has died.

8484c67d8c6442e8858d143a070ae09fI was in high school when a new friend, who crossed my path, made me listen to this brand new American band: the Linkin Park. We spent hours sitting in his car listening to their songs on repeat, and the one I always wanted him to play first was “Crawling”. Why? He asked. This is how I feel, I thought back then, until each and every word of all the other songs, one after another, one album after the other, started sinking in my brain, feeding my soul, healing my wounds, leaving only scars, and above all, making me feel I was not alone. Because you were there. But you are not anymore.

450845802I want to write more, and more, but nothing makes sense now. I keep picturing you in that room, eaten alive by those thoughts you tried, we try, to fight every day. But we are, were, doing it thanks to you. We have semicolons spread all over, through the lines of the book of our life, because of you; because where there could be periods, ending it all, we took a break, we breathed, we shouted, and then we kept going. Why you decided to write that period though, to end it all, we will never know until we are here. And it hurts. Like hell. It hurts to know those thoughts were stronger than you, because now we think they could be stronger than us too. They took you, and Chris, and all the others like you, like us, and if there is just one little positive side of this fuc*ing coin is that, as of right now, we hate those thoughts even more. We hate they took you from us, you let them take you instead of fighting them, again, again, and again. We wanted to fight them with you. And now you’re gone. Just gone.

Were there signs we ignored? And we’re angry, and we should be, it’s not fair… You said this, right? You said it. It is not fair. Who is going to catch us when we fall? I can’t think straight, and I do not even know why I am doing this because, after all, I am just talking to myself. In front of a screen. The voice bouncing back is not yours, anymore. You’re gone. That part of me is gone. The one screaming that I wanted to heal, although these wounds will never heal, and that I was paranoid, but your paranoia was probably worse, saying I were numb, that I wanted to be more like me, I wanted to be in the energy, not with the enemy, is gone… I did not want to let it go, let it go, let. it. go. But you let it go.

“The sound, of your voice, painted on my memories, even if you’re not with me, I’m with you” kept me alive. I wish screaming it all out, all that pain, the frustration, would have kept you alive too. Inside crying “save me now”…

Like a punch in the face, this hits hard.

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I know I’ll be with you soon, we all go back to the whole, where everything started, the energy of our souls, and I’ll be looking forward to that moment. I’ll kick your energy’s ass because how could you? Leaving us here, all alone again, without a light? But you know? You taught us better. So after that, I’ll hug you so tight, that we won’t be the one to leave this, in pieces. You are gone, while we are here thanks to you, because of you. We love you Chester, always will, and if you’re still asking who cares if one more light goes out? Well I do. Too.

You were that foundation
Never gonna be another one, no.
I followed, so taken
So conditioned I could never let go
Then sorrow, then sickness
Then the shock when you flip it on me
So hollow, so vicious
So afraid I couldn’t let myself see
That I could never be held
Back or up no, I’ll hold myself
Check the rep, yep you know mine well
Forget the rest let them know my hell
There and back yet my soul ain’t sell
Kept respect up, the best they fell,
Let the rest be the tale they tell
That I was there saying…
In these promises broken
Deep below
Each word gets lost in the echo
So one last lie I can see through
This time I finally let you
Go, go, go.

Test my will, test my heart
Let me tell you how the odds gonna stack up
Y’all go hard, I go smart
How’s that working out for y’all in the back, huh?
I’ve seen that frustration
Been crossed and lost and told “No”
And I’ve come back unshaken
Let down and lived and let go
So you can let it be known
I don’t hold back, I hold my own
I can’t be mapped, I can’t be cloned
I can’t C-flat, it ain’t my tone
I can’t fall back, I came too far
Hold myself up and love my scars
Let the bells ring wherever they are
‘Cause I was there saying…

No, you can tell ’em all now
I don’t back up, I don’t back down
I don’t fold up, and I don’t bow
I don’t roll over, don’t know how
I don’t care where the enemies are
Can’t be stopped, all I know; go hard
Won’t forget how I got this far
For every time saying…

In these promises broken
Deep below
Each word gets lost in the echo
So one last lie I can see through
This time I finally let you go, go, go.

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Red Velvet Cupcake

Haircut Madness

red-velvet-cake-icing-superjumbo…I am now a red velvet cupcake. Why? Well, apparently cutting your hair short makes everybody want to touch your head. This velvet-like appearance feels more like when a woman is pregnant and people want to touch her belly for luck or something like that. Weird, maybe cute, but weird. The coolest part is that I pictured myself as a red velvet cupcake the last time it happened (it was one of my Professors actually, following the office administrator and some colleagues!) and it was hilarious. RVC are my favorites. I was also considering dying my hair red because of this but NO, STOP this hair madness!!

26260f326790e5d9f16a3a24b7b47417When things like that happen to appear on my brain screen, if this makes any sense at all, I just need to remind myself I am not a movie and I need to change channel. Where is my remote? Give me my remote, turn me off. Puh-lease. But no, it’s not going to happen… and a horde of thoughts just starts raging in my head trying to make me feel dizzy and give up on rationality. Which would be good if only I could find someone who relates to this pretty easily. Uh, uh, nope. Not working. Game over.

Phases. Just phases. I heard someone say “it is just a phase”, and yes, since we all are going through different stages and times of our lives when we change, we evolve, we make mistakes, we either learn from them or we run from them, it does not really matter. This thing of getting a haircut should not have an impact on either me or my life but it does. It just sums up to other things that I let influence my existence. Also, there are not so many things as bothering as looking at your image reflected in the mirror without being able to recognize yourself. I did not even have to cut my hair to feel like this before because it has happened so many times already …

imagesOne day I am 30 years old and I am responsible, the day before I was a 20-year-old brat screwing everything up pretending I was having fun. All the things I have done when I was 16 just get repeated, and the way I felt at 23 is just right here with me, digging holes through my stomach while I try to figure why this and this did not work out, or what I did right or wrong. Hanging on the wall, right in front of me, I have a poster saying “Rebirth, regeneration and re-emergence”, how is this not even a sign? Do signs exist at all? I don’t know, because this blog is called “god exists and she hates me” and I am expecting a sort of doomsday to fall over me anytime soon.

…and then a friend of mine sends me a snap while at a concert with his girlfriend (love you guys) with the video of a song which is going straight to my mood song section and I cannot help but think it has to be a sign. Welcome to my twisted mind world. Hope you feel comfortable enough. Are you working tonight? JK.